I must say, just when i feel like i'm victorious over one trial, another one comes and knocks me down.

I wasn't expecting this kind of hit. Nope. I was totally and completely blindsided.

TG and I broke up. And I don't know why. This man was my soulmate. This man was the one i was supposed to marry. He knows it and I know it.

I really felt that God lead us to each other. He felt that God specifically told him that I was his wife. Yet saturday night while everyone else was celebrating the new year, TG and I were giving each other back our car and house keys and saying akward goodbyes. That's something i NEVER thought i'd say to him.

How can something that made me a better woman and him a better man be wrong?
Why didn't God let us break up 5 months ago when I asked God to get him out of my life immediately if he wasn't the one?
Why now? When our circumstance kinda require us to be tied to each other for the rest of our lives, even if we AREN'T together?

To be honest, I still don't understand why we didn't work. Why we're not together, like we both know we're supposed to be.

He said he's sorry for hurting me and that he still loves me. He never meant for any of this to happen. He said he had every intention of marrying me. Just like he'd promised me over and over again.
But he also said his feelings just....shifted. His mind just....changed. Since spending christmas with his children, and seeing how much they need him, He wanted to try and make his family work again. Although for the last 8 years, he's been trying, he feels this time, it'll work.

How can i compete with that?

I think the better question is WHY was i competing in the first place?

How come I had to come into his life before they ( he and his ex) can finally work. I don't understand that? If God wanted them together, then why all the prophesies, visions, feelings of love, knowing, etc... happen between us? Why did it take me getting hurt, before they could reconcile their differences? Why me? Someone that was seriously trying to do right, seriously trying to make good decisions, someone who seriously sought God before getting into this relationship....why am I the one hurting?

I've been in serious relationships before. I've had my heart broken before. But what usually gets me through it is knowing that God will send me someone better. Knowing that the relationship wasn't really all that good for me anyways. Knowning that when God sends me the right person, i'll know and he'll know.

Well this time, I can't say that. I'm still stuck on the fact that I REALLY THOUGHT God sent me TG. And our relationship WAS good for us. I prayed and fasted more last year with TG than i ever did. I was sincerely grateful to God for everything, AND for the first time in my life, i finally saw how God's will for my life was being manifested. I saw our ministry that God so richly gave us. We fit in ministry just as well as we fit in the natural.

Yet it didn't work. And it's left me so confused.

I gotta admit. I was shoooooooook. Not just heartbroken. My FAITH was shook. Not only was this me trusting TG, it was me trusting God. I prayed to God before i met TG for my husband. I told Him i wanted no one BUT who HE(God) had for me. I asked Him to keep all others away. I sincerely just wanted my husband. Then TG came. We prayed. We asked God if "this was it". We thought we heard yes. We thanked God for 9 months... and then now... TG has a change of heart? I don' t get it.

My first reaction was, God...how could this be? You SAID...."yada yada yada" and I thought "yada yada yada". Why is this happening?

That's where i've been this past week. Trying to pick up the pieces of my fantasy turned nightmare.

Sometimes I hurt so much I can't even praise God and there are times when I really thought that He had forsaken me. But then I remembered that He's always here.

I still have no idea why this happened or what's gonna happen next.

I still have no idea when God will give me my husband or even if TG is my husband.

I still have no idea about anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew, I don't know. Everything I thought I heard, I'm not sure of. Everything I had faith in God about, has seemed to not happen. Seems to me that I have every reason to pack up my religious bags...and go.
My flesh wants so badly to tell me, "See girl, all this being good and doing God's will stuff didn't pay off one bit. You coulda did what u wanted to do and got these results!"

But I can't.
God didn't give up on me, and I won't give up on Him.

I know that no matter what, God is STILL worthy of all my praise.
He's still on the throne. He still rules. He is still God. He's able to do above and beyond anything i could ever ask or think.

My heart is broken, but God will mend it.
My dreams are shattered, but God will fix it.
I don't understand anything, but God will work it out for my good.

It's easy to Love God and have faith when all is going your way. But on days like today, when NOTHING seems right...and everything seems wrong.... that's when God is looking at you, wondering if you still trust Him.

God i trust You.
I love You.
I'm hurting, but I know You'll love me through my pain.
I know You'll bring me out victoriously.
I know that the suffering of this present time can not be compared to the reward You're gonna give.
I know You have my best interest at heart.
I know You won't put more on me than i can bear.
I know that You are all i need.

Help me to understand and have peace with whatever comes my way...and doesn't go my way. Help me to know that You are here and see every tear. I know You care. Thank you for this revelation.

Ya'll keep me in your prayers. Thanks for the support and encouraging words throughout TG and my relationship. Now that it's over, continue to pray that God guides my steps, mends my heart, and comfort my soul. Also pray that I hear Him clearer the next time around.

~Sway